Rainy Sunday

The mall usually wasn’t quite so busy on a Sunday. Of course, it wasn’t as if I was normally one of the human throng either. Being around that many people felt claustrophobic, but today the house seemed even more oppressive than usual and considering it was pouring outside, it seemed the best escape. I regretted the decision almost as soon as it was made, but there was no turning back once inside the doors. I was already wet enough and I could feel the water slowly creeping up the hems of my jeans. Dry off, just stay long enough to dry off. There was, of course, the added factor of not really having any money to spend on extras but there was nothing wrong with window shopping. I had gotten far to used to it by now. Now, more than ever, I longed to make an impulse buy, or four. A book, a game, some shoes that didn’t make my feet hurt. Anything to add something novel in my life. I knew it was impossible though. Rent was due soon enough, and the electric bill, and all the other nagging responsibilities of the everyday that no one in their right mind wants to face.

I moved away from the doors where the perpetual humidity tried to force its way in each time someone hurried in from the damp outside, and let myself be picked up by the current of humanity and be carried along. I let the old couples and mothers pushing strollers guide my steps. At least in this way, I didn’t have to think much and that was nice sometimes, far to nice. That gentle numbness, not having to worry about every little thing, those greater concepts that fueled the world but which frightened at the same time. Everything us mere mortals could and couldn’t understand. Those obedient drones. Seemed so many of these people had lost the ability to think for themselves and I always hated them for it.

Maybe, they knew something I didn’t.

Without even realizing how I had gotten there, I found myself passing the coffee shop. Carefully wading to the edge of the river I took pearch at the corner of the shop and checked my wallet. Ten bucks. No extras I tried to remind myself, but this was different. I needed it. I used to hate coffee but over the years it had become my close friend, supporter, and terror. Forget cigarettes, drugs, sex. My addiction was to everything caffeine. At least I could pretend that it wasn’t that. I could only imagine myself in a Twelve Step Program trying in vain to wean myself off caffeine, sneaking a cola or those damn mints in the back room while I put on a brave face in the group circle. Well, it wouldn’t be any different than the rest of my life, now would it? Lying, was far to easy a thing.

Fine, coffee. Not as if I could have said no anyway. At least there wasn’t a line. Just plain, regular coffee, none of that fancy stuff that cost five dollars with mounds of caramel and whipped cream on the top. More of a dessert than a drink really. Still, it always took me a few minutes to get mine just right. Cream and sugar had to be varied depending on what type they were offering. Or, maybe I’m just far to picky for my own good. I knew I shouldn’t drink to much coffee on an empty stomach so I got a beef pasty out of the bakery too even though I knew I shouldn’t. This was just a day for deveation. No good for my health, but I was already to far gone to care to much. Treasures in hand, now came the task of escaping back out into the mall. More like walking into traffic if you ask me. Turning against the flow I managed to weave my way to an empty bench and sit down so I could eat. I hate people watching almost as much as I hate people, but at least I had something else to concentrate my attentions on. The pasty was nice and hot, and the last thing I wanted to do was drop it. To bad I forgot napkins. It seemed like kids gone wild day. They went streaking and screaming past me like they hadn’t seen open space before. I honestly couldn’t remember what it was like to be that young. I hated kids, so stupid all of them. But they had ignorance as their excuse and it was hard to blame them for things they couldn’t yet know.

Well, usually. Today I could make an exception. It would be so easy to just stick my foot out and send one of them flying… No, no, bad idea.